I'm incapable of faking anything anymore.
An old friend of mine directed me to his livejournal in an attempt to explain how he was feeling. I feel like I'm about to cry. While obviously different events have transpired in both of our lives, there are still similar feelings going on in my heart and very similar thoughts running through my head.
Not about everything. Like I said, different lives, different events.
But still, the tone of his post... made me feel like someone ripped out my own insides and at least got the right FEEL for them. I haven't really felt like anyone's gotten that in awhile.
I'm sure hardly anyone will read this... If anyone even reads it at all. It could be that this particular post, and those that come after it, are just cries out to cyber space that were never really meant to be read in the first place...and will sit here archived but untouched after they were first typed out.
Regardless, it's still nice to have a few places I can go to remember... and muse and ponder and theorize without the risk of losing it to the waste basket or an overly playful dog who likes to munch paper or the mess that is my box of old spiral notebooks.
In truth, I am horrified by so many things I have written on so many journals. I've said so many things I shouldn't have... I daresay I even regret... and yet I refuse to delete them. It seems that in this new age full of blogs and webcams and youtube posts, to delete is to forget. To post is to CREATE a memory.
It's depressing, really, especially since I've always valued my ability to remember the strangest, most random things. Remember them with my BRAIN... not my blogs.
My life has taken several very unexpected twists... some of which I caused without really thinking about the consequences. Had I know some of these decisions would've changed everything so dramatically, I'm not sure I would have taken them... but at this point it seems like regretting them would only make it worse, so I refuse to even think about whether or not I regret them.
There are a few major life events that have forced me to evolve… and I’m still reeling and trying to find my footing here.
There’s starting school, which completely demolished any friend base I really had, with the exception of a very few people. There’s my relationship… which has all the appearances of being permanent… and the startling realization that fairy tale romances don’t exist and the movies and TV have been lying to all of us. Then comes the even more shocking discovery that I don’t NEED all of those things I’ve always thought I needed… and I don’t even want them anymore. I have everything I need in this one individual and I don’t even feel the need to ever look for anything more than what I have.
The decision to rid myself of all of the people who are still stuck in the pretend world of high school… who refuse to grow up… who still play their stupid games and act out their stupid dramas… who lie and cheat and steal because it makes things ‘interesting.’ Who make up their own worlds so they don’t have to suck it up and deal with reality. Who live in those worlds entirely and refuse to ever grow up… It’s like Peter Pan… only it’s not a story and it’s infinitely sadder than a fairytale. It just hurts too much to watch now… and I can’t play along anymore.
There’s my official psychiatric diagnosis. I am a Bipolar who also has periods of intense rapid cycling every few months. I made the decision to go on meds to control it because of how severe this disorder is for me. It’s not a mild case. It will be a struggle for the rest of my life.
Then there’s the search for my biological family… all of whom I have found. With the search and discovery as well as a continuing relationship with most of them comes a Pandora’s Box of conflicting emotions and racing thoughts… Guilt, excitement, pain, confusion, extreme periods of uncontrollable giddiness, an overwhelming sense of loss and just emotional soreness… and being stuck perpetually in limbo between what is and what could’ve been and the fact that I don’t really fit in with any family I now have.
I feel like I’m dying inside… like I just have too many emotions to even live anymore… the only thing that keeps me going right now is school… because the practice rooms are the only place I can go and just be completely myself… I don’t have to hide from the music. I can pour myself completely into it… live and breath through it… scream through it, cry through it, laugh through it… it’s like I die and am reborn every time I touch the keys of the piano in one of those hot, stuffy little rooms.
A six-foot-by-six-foot moldy old room with a piano stuck in it has become my sanctuary. My religion. My house of worship. Those many hours spent there are the only time my spirit actually feels free from all of the grief that life comes with.
I’m generally an A student… with a few B’s stuck in randomly. I finally have something to be proud of… and something that is capable of completely distracting me from anything else in my life. A goal that is finally WORTH working for.
It’s given me back something that was stolen from me so long ago. Respect of Self. That’s worth more than anything I’ve ever found in my 25 years of living.
It's been awhile since I posted... reading over this, I'd like to know WHAT THE HELL WAS WRONG WITH ME?!
lol, moving on.
I don't even think anyone reads this anymore, but that's cool. At least I can spew... but I'll always be mindful of possible back lash since some people are stupid.
A lot has changed since I last updated this a year or two ago. I'm in a happy, stable relationship with someone I love utterly and completely. I'm a combative person so of course we have our fights, but we can make it through anything. He's been by my side for my grandmother's death, my parents' divorce, my brother's legal issues, friend issues... everything. The past 10 months with Josh have been amazing. I have someone standing by me through both the good AND the bad, and I think that's something pretty special and rare.
I'm also officially a Music Major! Yay! I've been accepted into a Music Occupations program at the downtown campus of MATC. Some may be ignorant to sneer at the fact that it's just a local technical college, but that's probably just jealousy speaking. I'm using this as an opportunity to not only further my education and opportunities with a complete Associates Degree, but as a stepping stone to my dream career too... I'm planning on transferring to another school in two years and hopefully be done in four or five. I'm so excited!
Josh and I are moving in together in about two months, I'm officially starting school in fall, and I'm hoping to have a brand spankin' new job in a month. I'm happier with my life and PROUD of the effort I've been putting in to change things.
I'll probably be updating this a little more as time goes on. I'm on myspace now - www.myspace.com/stardust_killer - so I update that a little more often.
so their watching this absolutely DISGUSTING horror movie from france. I can't handle this kind of blood and gore... it's too much.
i don't care if this makes me a pussy, but i've NEVER seen any American film half as graphic as this... even our fucking video games and music videos can't hold a candle to this film...
the worst part? It's fucking realistic as hell. It's believable. What's worse is that I'm going to be going home to an empty apartment tonight... worried about whether or not i'm gonna get skull fucked or something.
ugh. i've never been squeamish from a fucking movie before in my life. I've gotten scared, yeah, but never NAUSIOUS. and i've been to faces of death and all that shit. Which is REAL shit. But this... this is terrifying.
here's the delio.
My love life... sucks. I'm just too exhausting I guess. And all the while i've still been completely infatuated with he who shall just be named "the east side death metal vocalist." or the rock star for short. douche bag.
you know, I never thought that I'd be considered "not extreme enough" for someone. as in, the fact that i don't have enough facial piercings and my tattoos aren't big enough make me less than worthy to date.
hah, by the way, i got a new tattoo. That makes six. It's super small but really cute. two music notes right behind my ear. -=squee=-
at any rate, fat kids rock.
keep disco evil
here we go again.
now i'm living on a boat, the boys all still hate me as do quite a few other people in milwaukee... apparently EVERYTHING is all my fault, blah blah blah. I broke up with my boy and was single for a grand total of five minutes. Then this guy i've been kind of insane over for the past year or two and I ended up in a relationship... but, alas, we moved too quickly and now we're probably going to end up breaking up over the next 48 hours... which really disappoints me.
Moving on, I have a job at the Domes now, I got my hair cut all cute today, and I've begun revamping my life... a sort of self-exploration type thing... i'm excited. I'm just beginning.
Welllllll, i'm in a relationship, i gained four brothers and lost them all, i got evicted, kdo and cheryl got a new place, tool is going on tour but i couldn't get tickets (which made me very very sad) and all sorts of drama is EVERYwhere.
but, at this exact moment, things are wonderful. I'm cuddling with someone I adore and watching retarded animal babies. Tomarrow i get to go see rigel's new band and heart of a failure at the rave. I'm also supposed to hang out with jon and dave during the day, i just have to give dave's cell a call first. -=doom!=- lets hope things work out better this time around.
kareoke'd last night and got super cool feedback... now i want to go back next wednesday because i had so much fun... but i might get wisked away to club anything instead. -=shrug=- and i have to get my place cleaned this weekend because the trucks comming for my shit a week from tomarrow.
so that's my update. life is peachy. it's good right now. i feel warm and squishy!
I could love you... if you'd only let me.
better than anyone else in the world.
I'm currently at Jay's right now with three people I don't really know all that well but actually like.
I guess life is pretty good right now despite yesterday's crash. I think I just need to chill out a little bit and take it easy for a little while... no more node? I have no fucking clue.
Wow... I'm so high off of energy right now.
I had an awesome night.
and no. i'm not on anything nor have i been under the influence of anything all day and all night. So nguh! uh uh uh!
I spent the night at node, talking to Tim (...) dav-eed (uh... yea) david (he's cool) and Dre (knock knock). Left for a little while and came back. And it was good.
Suffice it to say that sunrise this morning was BEAUTIFUL and I am most content. i'm on this massive energy rush, but I am happy... and not that superficial "i'm gonna pretend to be happy" happy. This is genuine happy. Just because my night went amazing (without chemical help).
The image that remains completely etched in my brain is of two eyes. kind of bluish. Kind of greenish. Kind of greyish. With shadowy midnight-bluish flecs in them.
How can something so bright be so dark?
alright, this whole fat thing... it's way out of hand.
And it needs to stop.
so that's it, i'm losing weight regardless of the cost. I can't do this anymore. I'm going to be fucking thin if it kills me, and that's that. I wont die looking like a fucking cow. I wont die with a double chin, an ass the size of texas, theighs that could swallow new york whole, and a stomach reminiscent of chris farley and john candy. You know, when you start realizing that the reason noone wants to be in a romantic situation with you mainly because you're so HIDEOUSLY OBESE, it changes your entire view. I've always been large, but now... fuck this shit. I'm done. It's gone. My new years promise to myself: get fucking skinny.
God, I can't even fucking look at myself in the mirror anymore.
I hate zombie movies. They scare the fucking piss out of me. There is nothing i am more afraid of than zombies... it's the biggest irrational fear i have. And here I sit, watching Resident Evil... which is ALMOST as bad as 28 days later... and i'll be sleeping alone on my futon tonight, which means i'll probably be scared as piss all night with really bad nightmares and the like, just like a fucking 5 year old.
Oh yeah, and i'm boycotting food for the next week.
i slept for hours... from 11 pm to 5 am and then again from 6 am to 4 pm. So why the fuck am I still tired????????????????????????
List ten songs that you are currently digging. It doesn't matter what genre they are from, whether they have words, or even if they're any good but they must be songs you're really enjoying right now. Post these instructions, the artists, and the ten songs in your blog. Then tag THREE other people to see what they're listening to!
1) The Collapse by fleshfield
2)Hamlet for a slothful vassel by theature of tragedy
3) Chrome by VNV Nation
4) Prison Sex by Tool
5) Dead Girls by Voltaire
6) Whenever, Wherever by Shakira (shut the fuck up. i like it.)
7) I.D.I.O.T. by Mudvayne
8) Crash by 12 Stones
9) Video Kid by The Birthday Massacre
10)Hearts In Celestial Union by Gandalf
okay, so i got more trashed last night then i've ever been in my ENTIRE LIFE. and i think it had an effect on my playlist this morning. scratch that. I KNOW it's had an effect on what i'm listening to. I think i'm having a very electronic morning.
At anyrate, i'm not tagging anyone like the directions say. If you want to copy and paste, then go for it. if you don't, whatever. Have fun.
Just one question really.
Is the entire world bent on ripping me apart into tiny little bite-sized pieces? What the fuck. For once in my life i want to be completely alone and i can't because everybody's trying to stay here. I really shouldn't get used to having people around all the time... eventually i'm going to be alone again and what the fuck am i going to do when that happens? i really shouldn't even bother getting attatched to anybody.
and what's with all this "oh zuko, you're so cute... you're so pretty... blah blah blah." well guess what, obviously it's either the fat that's in the way or i have a shitty personality, and guess what... both fucking hurt just as much as the other. Because no matter what, there's always someone to be preferred over me. ALWAYS. why haven't i had a relationship in, like, two years? Because there's always someone prettier or cuter or nicer or more outgoing or more introverted or whatever... So you can all fucking wank off. I don't want to hear this "you're so sweet. you're so cute. you'll find someone" bullshit. If this is what the rest of my life is going to be like, i'd rather not even fucking waste time and emotions living it.
I think I'm dying.
I BETTER be better by tomarrow night, I have a show to go to.
And i'm going even if i'm sick, damnit!
I promised him I'd go, and since I missed the past, like, thousand, I'm fucking going, even if it means i have to vomit on a bartender.
how anyone can still like evenescence is beyond me.
Besides the fact that amy lee is a money grubbing whore who's in it for the status and not the music, her voice is always a hair flat.
these stupid little teeny weenie girls idolize her and have little pre-pubescent orgasms at the mention of her name... she's turned into a poser-goth barbie doll! it's like brittney spears, only worse.
and so have the majority of her fans. poser goth barbie dolls.
so eeeeeyah... thanks to everyone who responded to my last post (with the exception of the loser that inspired said post)
this just proves that live journal is, indeed, a source of much entertainment, partially because of and partially in spite of the drama.
i would especially like to thank the anonymous poster that said "So like, this one time, there was this moron flaming zuko's journal about her and Cheryl, and I was just like, heh heh, silly faggot..." you made me giggle. \m/ rock on
The hair is once again ka-raze-eeee, and i adore it. Last night i saw writhen at the riverwest commons play their most intense show EVER. it was awesome. jon and dave asked me to take pics again and i got some really decent ones, especially of Henry. his hair was flying all over. i suppose the copious amounts of beer helped my eye somehow, but it was great.
-=big grin=- took dorothy to the show. i am most smitten!
that's about all the detail you're getting on THAT.
need to get ahold of dave and jon to get adam over there sometime next week because this week is booked pretty solid.
mon: tim's comming over
tues: grabbing aaron
wed: dad's comming over
thrus & fri: kidnapping gunther
sat: 9 mm solution
mon: hopefully finally getting adam over to the bloodstained attic on the east side.
so if anybody wants to steal my recuperation time on sunday, go for it. or else i'll prolly end up at node or my parents. during the day time i'm job hunting though, so yeah. dot dot dot.
picked up a potential roommate. Name's becky. she's atleast spending the next week over. she's a sweetheart and i've known her for a few months. at any rate, she has a job and she picks up without even being asked (which shocked the hell out of me, believe me) and is actually NICE. and she also wants to go on the lease in april if we get approved... which means i'll be able to keep my apartment! yay!
i need to get the orange princess the cigarettes i owe her sometime in the next day or two. she did an amazing job on my hair! i totally love the hell out of it! (and so does dorothy. /blush)
oh yeah, and my internet's down at the moment so i have to go to node to get online, so don't freak out if i'm not on for a while. i promise that i'm still alive! the best way to get ahold of me is to drop me a myspace message. the second best way to get ahold of me is to leave a live journal comment.
I miss stumpy so my exiting remark shall be.......
"peace love and hair grease"
On January 20th, 2006, 07:11 am, an anonymous reader commented:
stardust_killer, she is a user and a flake and a fake!! she and her friend Cheryl, are bitches, fakes,flakes, users!! BITCHES!!
On January 20th, 2006, 10:42 pm, stardust_killer replied:
hmm. well, thanks for that!
atleast when *I* have something to say i'm not a pussy hiding behind anonymity.
But lets analyse this further, shall we?
1. bitch: duh, where the fuck have you been? I could've sworn that was common knowledge.
2. flake: we all have our moments, to be sure.
3. fake: that i do actually resent. though i do tend to put on a mask quite often when surrounded by strangers, it's sort of a subconscious means of protection i suppose. However, i don't pretend to be anything i'm not.
4. user: i have, regrettably, used people. yes. things happen sometimes, and I apologize to those i have used, and they know who they are.
5. cheryl: i don't know how 'up on the times' you are, but cheryl and i haven't really even seen or talked to eachother in months. people grow apart. but you used HER real name and not mine... do you even KNOW me personally? do you even know what my name is? do you know who i am or is this some kind of indirect attack on someone else? your plan to bring us down, or whatever it is you are trying to do, is incredibly unplanned and rediculous.
honestly, who does the lj flame thing anymore anyway?!
i guess i should apologize to you for whatever it is i must've done, but i can't do that if i don't know who you are or what i did. Because there ARE people i have hurt that i'm really not sorry for doing so to.
at any rate, fuck off.
i *had* to post this again cuz it made me giggle.
These insults... if you can call them that... are generic and mindless. They're also things that every human being on the planet is guilty of at some point or another. And why can't this person use my real name?
Well, my dear anonymous poster, thanks for making my day a little brighter with your antics. You've made me most secure in my own intelligence and tact. Bueno!
love always and forever,
Alanna had her baby!
Jeremy Nicholas Stankiewicz-Metzger
11 p. 8 oz
20 1/2 inches
and the most magnificent eyes i've ever SEEN!
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.
Ibn Rushd (1126–1198), known as Averroës, one of the first philosophers to propose the omnipotence paradoxThe omnipotence paradox is a paradox arising from the attempt to apply logic to the notion of an omnipotent being. It appears when one asks whether or not an omnipotent being is able to limit its own omnipotence, thus becoming non-omnipotent. Some philosophers see it as proof of the impossibility of the existence of any such entity; others assert that the paradox arises from a misunderstanding or mischaracterization of the concept of omnipotence. In addition, several philosophers have considered the assumption that a being is either omnipotent or non-omnipotent to be a false dilemma, as it avoids the possibility of varying degrees of omnipotence (Haeckel).
The paradox is often based on the God of the Abrahamic religions, though this is not a requirement. Since the Middle Ages, philosophers have phrased the paradox in many ways, of which the classic example is, "Could an omnipotent being create a stone so heavy that even that being could not lift it?" This particular statement has subtle flaws (discussed below), but as the most famous version, it still serves adequately for illustrating the different ways the paradox has been analyzed.
In order to analyse the omnipotence paradox in a rigorous way, one must first establish the precise definition of omnipotence. The definition of omnipotence varies amongst cultures and religions, and from one philosopher to another. A common definition is "all-powerful", but that is insufficient for the omnipotence paradox. This paradox cannot be formulated, for example, if one defines omnipotence as the ability to operate outside the constraints of any logical framework. Modern approaches to the problem have involved the study of semantics, debating whether language—and therefore philosophy—can meaningfully address the concept of omnipotence itself.
in the great words of Homer Simpson "Can Jesus microwave a burito so hot that even he, himself could not eat it?"
You know, it's really not like me to prostrate myself before another...
and everything now is starting to irritate me and make me anxious. Nothing is feeling right, nothing is clicking... and by nothing i mean NOTHING.
There's change in the winds, I can smell it. I have a feeling the last few pillars from my past are tumbling down quite quickly and wont be around much longer... it makes me sad.
Perhaps I should just bury myself in some kind of work or school... but i've never been like that. I need a job that doesn't involve standing up all the time. i'm sorry, but i don't like that. My feet end up hurting way to much. Just something i can devote all my attention to would be nice. and school, well, after last semester, that definately needs more work.
Either way, i've been in pain, both emotional and physical, for the past month, and noone has even taken the time to notice. But what you don't understand is that i am not like you. Things are different. And you'll never understand that.
so i just uploaded a bunch of icons of MOI and realized somthing after looking over them all...
I'M A FUCKING CHAMELEON!
I've been spending way too much time in my apartment, trying to ignore the fact that I am SERIOUSLY unhappy with the way things are going. I feel ignored, passed over, and completely expendable, and, even besides the fact that no one's even noticed, noone even seems to give a flying fuck.
So with that said, I think the apathy level of this particular chapter has gone +10.
and you people wonder why i hide.
never again am i going to fall for someone...
never ever EVER again.
Who Are You?
How Do I Know You?
Do You Hate Stupid Polls?
That's an Affirmative
No Way! Anything To Waste Time!
I Refuse To Answer This Pointless Question!
School/Work (check all that apply)
College - Full Time
College - Part Time
Taking A Break From Everything
Working - Full Time
Working - Part Time
Working At A Crappy Place Until I Can Find Something Better
I Love My Job!
I Like Candy Canes
What Do You Honestly Think About Me? (you knew this was comming)
If You Could Change Anything About Me, What Would It Be?
If You Could Change Anything About Yourself, What Would It Be?
Do You Accept Maynard James Keenan As Your Lord And Master?
Who? What? Are You Smoking Crack Again?
What Did You Honestly Think About This Poll?
KATIE GOT ME A PAID LJ ACCOUNT!!!!! WOOO!
My new layout is gorgeous, I'm finally starting to FEEL gorgeous, and life, in general, is interesting... to say the least.
My parents think i'm heading down a shame spiral, when in fact i feel, psychologically speaking, more healthy than i have in a long time. Atleast my emotions are finally starting to even themselves out.
I'm at node almost every night... i know so many people here and have somehow managed to NOT piss off a majority of them... shocking, i know.
For the first time in my life i feel like i fit in somewhere... and it's nice.
I am currently lessthanthree-ing someone a bit older than i am, and i'm sure that nothing will come of it, but infatuations are okay every once in a while.
Life may not be healthy, but it IS worth living, even if i can't participate in a "who can pick me up" contest.
I love you guys and miss some of you horribly.
I feel so beautiful right now... really. I'm sitting here at the computer and i feel like i look fabulous. Is that egotistical?
At some point, usually during young adulthood, it becomes trendy to cliam that you are sick and tired of drama and want no part of it. NEVER believe anyone who says this. everyone under the age of 30 (and alot of people over 30 too) thrives on drama. Drama is responsable for such evil and insideous creations as soap operas, talk shows, all of daytime TV, and chick flicks. It's also responsable for those irritating sappy break up songs that you blast and cry to when life sucks more than usual. But drama keeps things interesting. there's always something new going on so pepole jump on it and devour it until something new comes along. Just remember that anyone who claims that they don't want drama usually DOES want it. the people who keep their mouths shut are the ones who really don't care.
It seems as though around the sad, winter months, especially in places with snow, everybody is desperate to have their other half... or someone who atleast provides a convincing enough distraction. There's a trick to this game that i have yet to clued in on. if ind myself blindly stumbling through the rituals of finding a suitable distraction, but my tirsts are always brief and leave me wanting. the goal of aquiring a mildly significant other is to keep them around for the many love-based holidays and have some way to relieve your sexual frustration come mating season (spring). Summer seems to spawn numerous breakups and just as many flings... spring sex is addictive and individuals need to satisfy urges previously taken care of by ex lovers. unfortunately certain individuals (apparently including myself) are only good for superficial satisfaction, and not good for the relationship part.
Looks are apparently everythign. i am a large mammal and therefore am not considetered a proper mate for reproduction. in today's society being thin is considered being a fine genetic specimen and being large is undesierable, unhealthy, and most unattractive. and then there are the clans. the beautiful people, the sporty people, the thug people, and the many factions of the alternative tribes. where you belong hinges on how you look so we modify our appearance with the use of clothing, make up, and permanent body modification to claim the clan we wish to belong to. society's reaction to you also is directly related to your appearance and social group. be careful where you go or you may find yourself scrutinized and victemized unfairly.
I'm so manic that my exhaustion is only making me more hyper. explain THAT one.
Incredible. Happy. Exstatic...
in short, there is MAJOR squee-age on my end of things.
i love nicknames and "sensing"
I'm still alive!
i can't remember ever struggling this hard to stay alive in my entire life.
it's really a good idea to not talk to me for a very long time. Chances are i'll threaten your life. I've been doing that alot lately.
incase you're a moron and haven't noticed, I'm killing myself at work and school. And i feel like i'm failing MISERABLY at both. No. I don't really want to discuss it much farther than that.
so don't call me in the morning, i'm sleeping.
don't call me in the afternoon, i'm at school.
don't call me at night. i'm at work.
basically, don't call me at all. if i want to talk to you, I'll call you. (siren, ignore this. I heard you have a new number and i don't have it. you SHOULD call me and just leave a message letting me know its you so i can add your number to my phone.)
those that should ignore this entire idiotic post know who they are. because they know that, in case of emergency, i'd walk out of work and get terminated just to make sure they're safe and okay.
i smell grossness. i feel like crap. i've sucked down four cups of coffee and five red bulls in the past three hours.
(5 minutes later)
em, you just made everything better.
if you are one of the people i called in the past few hours (katie and cheryl excluded) don't talk to me.
your name is mud.
in fact, I probably wont even want to look at you for a VERY long time.
not that any of you would notice.
until YOU needed something. then it'd be "Oh zuko give me a ride here" or "oh zuko, i need alcohol" (which, by the way, you'll never get. i don't sell to minors. i'm not stupid. but apparently you are.) or "oh zuko but i love you! do this one small favor for me!"
then you'll suddenly notice that hey, i'm here.
but you weren't.
all i needed was one SINGLE person to stay on the line for 10 minutes.
and for the record, i almost hit a damn truck.
I honestly don't think any of you would even notice if I died. nor would you care. (with the exception of four people. but i've already gone into that.)
so, honestly, kiss my ass.
This goes out to my favorite couple. I wrote this for you dolls!
but i'm inside
in your arms
i'm your everything
you're my everything too
when the world is crashing down
i will be your shooting star...
in your eyes
when the world is crashing down
i will be your shooting star
when the rain is pouring down
i will be your everything
but i'm inside
in your arms
yeah... the guitar part for this song is fucking amazing... it's a whole new picking rhythem and i'm telling you, it fucking rocks.
have fun you two! My gift to you is a song. It's all I have to give and its the most I ever could give. But if you break up, I'm stealing it back! (insert innocent smile here)
oh wait... not yet. FYI, I now work third shift at Webbs on 76 and Layton. DO NOT call me before 1:00 in the afternoon or i will castrate you.
and YOU... yeah YOU know who you are.
I don't care where you got my number from, it's still not okay to call me. so you need to stop.
I'm fucking broken. But honestly, I'm not so sure I mind it all that much. I mean sure, I'm depressed constantly, and I'm damn sure it's pretty much a downer to be around me sometimes, but my songs are comming along amazingly.
I just want to sing and play. I don't want to do anything else.
I have to stop and think... if I fell, who would REALLY be there to pick me up. And, quite honestly, I can only think of four people. four. and even though i don't see two of them very often, I still love them very much.
and just to clear up any confusion, those four people are, in no particular order, Katie O., Cheryl, Kendall, and Gen.
funny to think how just a year ago I hated most females with a seething passion. But now my four favorite people on the planet are all tragically, heartbreakingly beautiful women that I don't think I could live without.
So the peices seem to have finally shattered infinately. I'm angry and used up and spiteful... but even now, through all of this hateful and consuming anger, I still have an enormous capacity to love. As far as i see it, only four people have even noticed that part. And so, for right now, those four girls are the only thing that matters. Because as long as they're alive and healthy and there, I will love them and I will do my best to glue their broken pieces together.
-=breaks down into tears=-
Fucked up, broken, but still good. still good.
( God Of WineCollapse )
is it so wrong to be infatuated with someone you know you can never have?
the answer is yes.
all it does is hurt. all it does is cause confusion. and it makes you lose that person as a friend.
this ends right fucking here.
I hate my position
I hate being alone
I hate everyone
I hate myself
I just got done taking this exam in computing for healthcare. I think I did alright... atleast a B.
infact, I'm doing really well in school so far... which is really weird because i've NEVER done well in school. This is kind of freaky. I'm actually doing all of my work and I'm doing super well on all of my quizes and exams. Granted I'm a little stressed out, but I think I'll survive.
I got a new job. Orientation is on Saturday at 10. I'm not sure if that's AM or PM, so I'll go in the morning and if it's at night, I'll just go home, take a nap, and come back. No worries.
for everyone that's been concerned, I'm keeping my apartment. The lease gets resigned tomarrow. My mom's cosigning again. Katie - if you're not ready to move out, don't worry about it. I still have a place to live and I'll be okay. But keep in mind that there's another room waiting for you should you need it.
Well it's about time to start class again, so I have to go. Take care everybody. I LOOOOOVE you!
"Christ is comming, and so am I"
~Revalation 22:20 by Puscifer (hmmm, what is that i hear? Maynard? i think soooo!)
so I had a night of pure elation. After some crap that shall remained undiscussed and undisclosed in this journal for now, I was feeling pretty livid.
Then we stopped at Alanna's to look for my textbook, which was not found.
Then we went to node. Oh my FUCKING GOD.
Ray was talking about playing guitar and I mentioned that mine was in the car. So I retrieved it for him. And then THEY made me sing.
and it was one of the more exhilarating experiances i had. I am so flippin excited. I got such positive feedback... and I was playing for people i didn't know... I'm mildly mystified... but it was a great night. It was a fabulous night. It kind of made me forget about certain people who call themselves my friends but refuse to even listen to a song. Usually because they're too busy playing with their computer toys to bother with me. Is it really so wrong for me to be proud of myself? I've ALWAYS wanted to beable to write my own songs and play my own music, and I finally sat down and started to try to figure it out... ontop of that, there are people who actually like my stuff. I guess such a small experiance altered my perception and mindset slightly.
Anyways, Dragon Joe, two things. First, please call me back sometime soon... 517-9080. Second of all, check out the song Revelation 22:20 by Puscifer. It's pretty bawdy, yet it rocks fucking hardcore. I think you'll be surprised.
yay for artsy type people!
yah boys in bands at school.
boo to sleeping on a couch for four nights in a row.
i need a posse for october 21rst to go see a band. yes. that would be great.
"this may never start... tearing out my heart...."
Ah, now to explain my livejournal handle... finally.
First of all, what i call a Stardust HERO is pretty vague. They have all of these amazing visions of grandeur and sucess (that's the star part) but it eventually falls apart. (hence the dust.) i kill them. anthony, i'm commin' after you, biatch!
so anyway, for my computing for healthcare class, we had to start a new e-mail account on either yahoo or hotmail. i chose yahoo since that's what i'm familliar with. my newest yahoo account is email@example.com.
school is difficult but do-able. i just have to keep up with the work. i hope i don't go under. This is my last chance.
My head is pounding and i am craving Jagger.
So on this whole hero subject, i always hate the heros. I do. But iut's kind of like, well, where's MY hero? What's wrong with me? Am i not pretty enough or innocent enough or good enough for one? Or am i just so far gone that everybody's given up hope on me? I'm tired of saving myself.
So fuck you heros out there. Two of you know who you are. You were so busy trying to find your next crushed flower with psychotic tendencies or substance-abuser that i became invisable. I'm done with you.
am i selfish? fuck yeah. Deal.
( The Hero Dies In This OneCollapse )
"No, fuck yourself, you'd get more pussy."